Dr. Nick Stinnett spent twenty-five years studying successful families. Yes, every family has conflicts even successful ones, but successful families develop strategies for dealing with conflict. Here are some tactics to use in developing your own successful family’s conflict resolution skills.
Tactic #1 – Deal with Conflicts Quickly.
- “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…” Ephesians 4:26
- “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Ephesians 4:31
- As a practical matter, you may have to schedule a time for a discussion.
Tactic #2 – Deal with One Issue at a Time.
- 68% of both husbands and wives say that disagreements are seldom resolved.
- Blaming and bringing up other issues will cloud the situation.
Tactic #3 – Be Specific.
- The real issue in an argument can be elusive.
- State the offending action or situation, your feelings, and possibly impact.
Tactic #4 – Become Allies.
- Attack the problem not each other.
- One strong family member states it this way: “It would be silly to get caught up in personal attacks when we fight. All that does is hurt feelings and fan the fires. We try to see ourselves as being on the same side–as a team. The enemy is the problem. We fight it—not each other.” Stinnett & Beam, Fantastic Families, p. 92
Tactic #5 – Ban the Bombs.
- “I know more about my husband and children than anyone else does. I know their fears, their vulnerabilities. I have power to hurt them. … I feel that it would be a serious violation of the trust we have in each other to use our knowledge, or closeness, as weapons. Even when I get very angry, I keep sight of that. To use sensitive areas as attack points is a good way to destroy a marriage or parent-child relationship.” Fantastic Families, p. 92-93
- Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Eph 4:29 NIV
- Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Eph. 4:32, NIV
Tactic #6 – Open Up Understanding.
- Be an active listener.
- Check out and confirm what is being said. This involves repeating back for evaluation what you think the other person has said.
- Many arguments are solved simply by coming to an understanding.