The Discipline of a Father

April 18, 2024

Godly masculinity is becoming a lost art.  Or maybe it is more accurate to say that the principles of godly masculinity are being purposefully obscured by evil forces in our world. Society tells us that men should be weak.  Society says that men are incompetent, bumbling, and unaware.  Society tells us that any useful information a man may have to offer is not “helpful,” but rather “mansplaining.”    Society tells us that masculinity is “toxic.”  Of course, a man may come to have any one of these negative qualities, but I am speaking of those who are striving to be godly men and fathers.

The disparagement of godly masculinity is perhaps most damaging when it comes to fatherhood.  The world sees child raising as primarily the mother’s role.  Mothers have a tremendous role to play, but so do fathers!  God designed men and women to operate and to think differently, and both mother and father need to bring their strengths to the table. 

One of the God-given roles of fathers, in particular, is to bring discipline into the child’s life.  As we read in Ephesians chapter six, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 NASB95) To discipline a child is to provide guidance in responsible living.  To instruct a child is to warn them about and discourage improper behavior.  In other words, children need to be trained in the right way and warned about the wrong way.  This can be done through conversation, through appropriate punishment, and through modeling godly behavior for our children.  All of this should be done in a way that does not provoke our children to anger, but rather in a way that encourages them and builds them up (even if it creates sorrow for a time).

What kinds of things can we train and warn our children about?  Fathers, do you have a running list of things that you want to teach your children?  Things like:  Always tell the truth; never compromise what is right; treat your mother with respect; do your work heartily for the Lord without whining or complaining; respect your elders; be generous; be busy for the Lord; always prioritize worship, bible study, and prayer.  What things are on your “need to know” list?  What are you instilling in your children?

Fathers, the Lord expects us to provide discipline and instruction for our children.  Don’t let the world cow you into letting your children run headlong into an unrestrained, undisciplined life!  Do it because you love them. Do it because you are following the example of our heavenly Father who disciplines us out of love.  “For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom he receives.  It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?” (Hebrews 12:6-7 NASB95)

—Scott Colvin

Leave a Comment » | Christian parenting, discipline, disciplining children, Ephesians 6:4, fatherhood, fathers, Hebrews 12:6-7, parenting | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by Scott Colvin

Avoiding “Tiny Terror”

April 13, 2012

I was in a doctor’s waiting room when I met “Tiny Terror” and his mom. Tiny Terror was bouncing off the walls, and Mom seemed to have no way to control him. I thought the older couple sitting in the room was his grandparents. After all, Tiny Terror was on the floor in between the older gentleman’s legs banging a toy against the wall. Finally, Mom said that Tiny Terror was going to “time out.” It did not seem that Tiny Terror considered that an unpleasant prospect. When they had left the room, I learned that the people I assumed as “Grandparents” were just perturbed victims of Tiny Terror. The older gentleman commented aloud, “That boy is out of control and is the boss of his mother.”

How do we avoid raising a Tiny Terror? We have to realize that we are in a struggle to decide who is boss. The parent who can give consistent and firm discipline can win that battle. Consistency of consequences for unwanted behaviors is important because children will attempt to wear us down in this battle over wills. Punishment needs to “unpleasant” in order to be a deterrent (cf. Hebrews 12:11). Timeout can be unpleasant if done correctly, but in Tiny Terror’s case timeout was not dreaded.

I still think there is a place for spanking, and by the way, so does scripture (Proverbs13:24, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29:15). Dr. James Dobson gives a number of good guidelines in his books. He suggests mild spankings could occur beginning at about 15 months. Spankings should be infrequent and reserved for defiance. Corporal punishment might continue to ages 9 to 12, but again are reserved for rebellion. I realize that there have been negative studies of spanking. However, I don’t believe researchers have carefully distinguished between the controlled corporal punishment as outlined by Dobson and the swats done out of anger and frustration. I too deplore the latter and think they fail as effect discipline.

Other punishments must also be a part of the parent’s tool kit. They will include timeout, loss of privileges, and work, although these must be tailored to the child’s age and abilities. Punishment shouldn’t be done out of anger. It should include talking about why the child is being corrected and should also include the expression of the parent’s love for the child. Discipline is not just about negative behavior. Discipline also includes reward and praise for appropriate behavior.

Parents should be clear about boundaries for their children. It is natural for children to test the boundaries set by parents, which is why consistency is important. Don’t make threats that you are not going to carry through on. Idle threats only allow the child to push your buttons and the edges of the boundaries you’ve set. If we are consistent, we won’t have to use our anger as the means of control. We can gain compliance before it reaches the anger level. Also be careful about promises. Don’t make promises that you don’t intend to keep.

Raising children also includes a great deal of instruction. We are instilling values and morals. “Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6, NASB). We should be talking about spiritual things and values in our daily lives (see Deuteronomy 4:9, 6:7, Psalm 78:4-7, and Ephesians 6:1-4).

Few parents would want to claim perfection in child rearing. We all make mistakes, but there are common sense ways of being in control—ways to avoid “Tiny Terror.”

Leave a Comment » | Christian living, disciplining children, parenting | Permalink
Posted by Russell Holden