The Discipline of a Father

April 18, 2024

Godly masculinity is becoming a lost art.  Or maybe it is more accurate to say that the principles of godly masculinity are being purposefully obscured by evil forces in our world. Society tells us that men should be weak.  Society says that men are incompetent, bumbling, and unaware.  Society tells us that any useful information a man may have to offer is not “helpful,” but rather “mansplaining.”    Society tells us that masculinity is “toxic.”  Of course, a man may come to have any one of these negative qualities, but I am speaking of those who are striving to be godly men and fathers.

The disparagement of godly masculinity is perhaps most damaging when it comes to fatherhood.  The world sees child raising as primarily the mother’s role.  Mothers have a tremendous role to play, but so do fathers!  God designed men and women to operate and to think differently, and both mother and father need to bring their strengths to the table. 

One of the God-given roles of fathers, in particular, is to bring discipline into the child’s life.  As we read in Ephesians chapter six, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 NASB95) To discipline a child is to provide guidance in responsible living.  To instruct a child is to warn them about and discourage improper behavior.  In other words, children need to be trained in the right way and warned about the wrong way.  This can be done through conversation, through appropriate punishment, and through modeling godly behavior for our children.  All of this should be done in a way that does not provoke our children to anger, but rather in a way that encourages them and builds them up (even if it creates sorrow for a time).

What kinds of things can we train and warn our children about?  Fathers, do you have a running list of things that you want to teach your children?  Things like:  Always tell the truth; never compromise what is right; treat your mother with respect; do your work heartily for the Lord without whining or complaining; respect your elders; be generous; be busy for the Lord; always prioritize worship, bible study, and prayer.  What things are on your “need to know” list?  What are you instilling in your children?

Fathers, the Lord expects us to provide discipline and instruction for our children.  Don’t let the world cow you into letting your children run headlong into an unrestrained, undisciplined life!  Do it because you love them. Do it because you are following the example of our heavenly Father who disciplines us out of love.  “For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom he receives.  It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?” (Hebrews 12:6-7 NASB95)

—Scott Colvin

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Posted by Scott Colvin

Preparing Our Children for War

July 14, 2023

When should you allow children to be exposed to evil in this world? I have had several conversations over the years with parents about this question. We all know that it is not a question of if they will be exposed to evil, but how much exposure should parents allow, and at what age? How old should your children be before you let them have a smart phone? Allow them to be on social media? Watch the news?

Good Christian parents will have differences of opinion on this topic, and perhaps there is no one-size-fits-all answer. One thing is certain, there is a spiritual battle going on for the souls of our children. We must prepare them. We must be on a wartime footing, spiritually speaking, and must be training our children to survive the battle. As we read in Ephesians chapter 6, “Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 6:11-12 NAS95) This warfare imagery is very instructive. Think of it this way: If a war was raging in this country, would you hand your little one a gun and a helmet, wish them luck, and send them off into battle? No! They are too young and inexperienced. They would most certainly lose their life. But what about spiritual warfare, where the stakes are much higher? Are you preparing your children to fight the battle?

It seems to me that we prepare our children in stages over time. When they are young and innocent, we must protect them and carefully shield their minds and hearts. They are not ready to fight and would be swallowed up in a minute. As they grow older, we must step up the preparation and training. We must show them how to put on the armor of God while still carefully protecting them from danger. One day, when the war shows up at our front door, we must face the battle with our children. They are still very vulnerable and inexperienced. They are like a private just out of basic training, but you are like a battle-hardened sergeant. You will keep them close to your side, pointing out the dangers, showing where the enemy lies in wait, and watching their flank.

It is critical that we all realize this battle is real and ongoing. When parents don’t realize this fact, they can throw their kids right into the war without any defenses. There are grave spiritual dangers on the internet, social media, television, and all around us. May God help us and give us the wisdom to prepare our kids for battle.

—Scott Colvin

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Posted by Russell Holden

Peaceful, Happy Homes

March 15, 2023

What is the source of ongoing strife and turmoil in the home?  Our home life is supposed to be a source of great blessings, but sometimes it is more of a source of stress, anger, and contentiousness.  Husband and wife cannot seem to get along.  The children are disrespectful to their parents and constantly fight with their siblings.  Mother and Father have grown weary of their children because of their behavior and have “checked out” mentally.  Problems such as these are common in the world and even within the church.  What is the source of these problems, and what is the solution?

The source of these problems is that one or more people in the family have stopped heeding the voice of the Lord.  When the Lord and His word are at the center of the home, peace and harmony will abound.  The question is, are we listening to His voice?  Are we seeking His wisdom?  Listen to where the wisdom of God will lead us: “How blessed is the man who finds wisdom and the man who gains understanding.  For her profit is better than the profit of silver and her gain better than fine gold.  She is more precious than jewels; and nothing you desire compares with her…Her ways are pleasant ways and all her paths are peace.  She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, and happy are all who hold her fast.” (Proverbs 3:13-15, 17-18 NAS95) What will the wisdom of God bring into all aspects of our lives, including our homes?  Pleasantness, peace, happiness, and life.  But if we choose not to listen, if we choose to go our own way, we will only hurt ourselves and rob ourselves of His blessings.  We must hold fast the wisdom of God!

God designed human beings. He designed marriage. He designed the family. If we will listen to His voice, our homes will function beautifully, and blessings will abound.  Sure, difficult times will come, but in those times, we will find that our homes will be a place of comfort and solace rather than a place of additional stress and turmoil.  May we all experience the blessings in our homes that God intended for us to enjoy.

—Scott Colvin

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Posted by Scott Colvin

“Pass It On”

June 27, 2014

The British and Foreign Bible Society has launched an initiative called “Pass It On” for 2014. The idea is to encourage adults to read the Bible to children or to tell them the stories of the Bible. This major push arose from a survey that was done of children between the ages of 8 to 15 and parents of children age 3 to 16 in the United Kingdom. Here is what they found.

In the Survey of 8 to 15 year olds in the U.K.

  • 23% had never read, seen or heard Noah’s Ark.
  • 25% had never read, seen or heard the Nativity.
  • 54% had never read, seen or heard Joseph and his coat of many colors.
  • 60% had never read, seen or heard the Feeding of the 5,000
  • 61% had never read, seen or heard the Good Samaritan
  • 63% had never read, seen or heard the Creation account.
  • 72% had never read, seen or heard Daniel and the lion’s den.
  • 85 % had never read, seen or heard the story of Solomon.

In the Survey of Parents of Children 3 to 16 in the U.K.

  • 30% did not recognize the story of Adam and Eve
  • 31% did not recognize the story of David and Goliath
  • 27% did not recognize the story of the Good Samaritan

Besides being tested on the plot lines of Bible stories, they were also given the plot lines of various stories outside the Bible to see if they thought they were in the Bible. Would the recognize that these stories are not found in the Bible? Here’s how it went with the parents.

  • 34% thought the plot line of Harry Potter was or might be in the Bible
  • 54% for the plot of the Hunger Games
  • 27% for the plot line of Superman
  • 46% for the plot line of The Da Vinci Code

Yes, this is a survey for Great Britain and not the United States. There is an obvious difference between the two countries. Currently, the U.K. has a church attendance rate at about 12% while the rate in the U.S. is at 43%. But it is a cautionary tale. What happens when one generation fails to pass on the Bible?

“We will not hide them from their children,
but tell to the coming generation
the glorious deeds of the LORD, and his might,
and the wonders that he has done. Psalms 78:4,ESV

Sources: “Church Attendance Statistics by Country
http://www.biblesociety.org.uk/about-bible-society/our-work/pass-it-on/

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Posted by Russell Holden

Not Mass Produced

May 11, 2012

Netflix currently has the series, How It’s Made. I’m fascinated with the automation that goes into everyday products. One episode showed a factory producing copy paper. I tend to feel like I’m all thumbs unwrapping a ream of paper and placing it in the photocopier, but a mechanized factory produces 55,000 sheets of paper a minute, and it can wrap a ream of paper in the blink of an eye. Another episode showed a machine that fabricates adhesive bandages. It produced 300 to 1500 bandages a minute depending on size.

Since the industrial revolution, a few have pondered whether children could be raised that way. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World imagined a hatchery for children. Children were designed and conditioned to fulfill their various social stations. No need for the messiness of parents. The upper class alphas could then be free to consume (that’s what consumer societies need after all) and to experience pleasure.

The real world has produced more modest attempts of raising children in mass. The Soviet Union experimented on the family with child care centers. It attempted to put more of the child raising under the control of the state. From a non-Marxist point a view, feminism also desired the emancipation of women from the burden of child rearing. They believed that collective child care was inevitable, but their most illusive goal was freedom from the pre-school years.

Yet, maternal and parenting instincts are strong, and some of the attempts to change family life have fortunately been resisted. The Soviet Union had to reverse its course in its attempt to radically change the family. Plus, all this experimenting has taught us something. Child raising does not seem to be an activity that can be successfully industrialized. Children succeed at certain developmental tasks with parents that are not met with even the best child care.

Your mother gave birth to you. She changed your diapers. She talked to you and read stories to you. She taught you right from wrong. In fact, your moral sense was developed by the age of nine. She taught you how to pray your first child-like prayers. She guided you in learning how to share your toys, resolve your conflicts, and pick up after yourself. You learned to brush your teeth, take a bath, and say thank you and please.

She was there when you were frightened, and she protected you from dangers even the ones for which you were totally unaware. She put Band-Aids on your skinned knee and wiped away your tears. It was a labor intensive task, yet a labor of love. You were not massed produced.

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Posted by Russell Holden

Avoiding “Tiny Terror”

April 13, 2012

I was in a doctor’s waiting room when I met “Tiny Terror” and his mom. Tiny Terror was bouncing off the walls, and Mom seemed to have no way to control him. I thought the older couple sitting in the room was his grandparents. After all, Tiny Terror was on the floor in between the older gentleman’s legs banging a toy against the wall. Finally, Mom said that Tiny Terror was going to “time out.” It did not seem that Tiny Terror considered that an unpleasant prospect. When they had left the room, I learned that the people I assumed as “Grandparents” were just perturbed victims of Tiny Terror. The older gentleman commented aloud, “That boy is out of control and is the boss of his mother.”

How do we avoid raising a Tiny Terror? We have to realize that we are in a struggle to decide who is boss. The parent who can give consistent and firm discipline can win that battle. Consistency of consequences for unwanted behaviors is important because children will attempt to wear us down in this battle over wills. Punishment needs to “unpleasant” in order to be a deterrent (cf. Hebrews 12:11). Timeout can be unpleasant if done correctly, but in Tiny Terror’s case timeout was not dreaded.

I still think there is a place for spanking, and by the way, so does scripture (Proverbs13:24, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29:15). Dr. James Dobson gives a number of good guidelines in his books. He suggests mild spankings could occur beginning at about 15 months. Spankings should be infrequent and reserved for defiance. Corporal punishment might continue to ages 9 to 12, but again are reserved for rebellion. I realize that there have been negative studies of spanking. However, I don’t believe researchers have carefully distinguished between the controlled corporal punishment as outlined by Dobson and the swats done out of anger and frustration. I too deplore the latter and think they fail as effect discipline.

Other punishments must also be a part of the parent’s tool kit. They will include timeout, loss of privileges, and work, although these must be tailored to the child’s age and abilities. Punishment shouldn’t be done out of anger. It should include talking about why the child is being corrected and should also include the expression of the parent’s love for the child. Discipline is not just about negative behavior. Discipline also includes reward and praise for appropriate behavior.

Parents should be clear about boundaries for their children. It is natural for children to test the boundaries set by parents, which is why consistency is important. Don’t make threats that you are not going to carry through on. Idle threats only allow the child to push your buttons and the edges of the boundaries you’ve set. If we are consistent, we won’t have to use our anger as the means of control. We can gain compliance before it reaches the anger level. Also be careful about promises. Don’t make promises that you don’t intend to keep.

Raising children also includes a great deal of instruction. We are instilling values and morals. “Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6, NASB). We should be talking about spiritual things and values in our daily lives (see Deuteronomy 4:9, 6:7, Psalm 78:4-7, and Ephesians 6:1-4).

Few parents would want to claim perfection in child rearing. We all make mistakes, but there are common sense ways of being in control—ways to avoid “Tiny Terror.”

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Posted by Russell Holden