The Transgenerational Father

June 19, 2021

It is easy to recognize that a father influences his child. That’s one generation influencing the next, but a grandfather or great-grandfather also influences his grandchildren or great-grandchildren either directly or indirectly. The power of fatherhood is transgenerational.

A grandfather or great-grandfather may have an opportunity to directly influence his grandchild or great-grandchild, but regardless, he has had a powerful influence indirectly, because he has helped raise the grandchild’s father or mother or the great-grandchild’s grandfather or grandmother.

As a father’s influence becomes more indirect, it also becomes more widely felt. There is a reason we call genealogies a family tree. From two people come many branches — that is the widening of influence. Families grow by multiplication not simple addition.

The Bible recognizes this influence of one generation upon another.

He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teach to their children, that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children, so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments; and that they should not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation whose heart was not steadfast, whose spirit was not faithful to God. (Psalm 78:5–8, ESV)

Psalm 78 recognizes the transgenerational power of fatherhood. This influence may be for better or worse. The psalm advocates the influence for the better, but it illustrates the influence for the worse.

Stu Weber in his book, Tender Warrior, quantifies a father’s spiritual influence.

When the father is an active believer, there is about a seventy-five percent likelihood that the children will also become active believers. But if only the mother is a believer, this likelihood is dramatically reduced to fifteen percent.*

What kind of influence do you want to have on the generations to come?

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4, ESV)
—Russ Holden

*Stu Weber, Tender Warrior, p. 143.

 

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Posted by Russell Holden

A Father’s Legacy

June 19, 2020

What is a legacy? Its primary meaning is money or property left in a will, but in its usage, it often goes beyond physical things. Proverbs is concerned about a Father’s legacy: “A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children, but the sinner’s wealth is laid up for the righteous” (Proverbs 13:22 ESV).

The primary meaning of this proverb deals with property. Their world was one in which the land had been divided among the tribes. It was important to pass the land to sons so that it could be passed to grandsons. The proverb acknowledges that this process will not necessarily go right for the sinner, and the context acknowledges that things can sometimes go wrong for the good because of oppression (Proverbs 13:23). Leaving a well-managed farm will be a benefit to more than one generation — “to his children’s children.”

The Legacy of Moral Example and Instruction. Many view Proverbs 13:21-25 as a unit, so I don’t think it is unfair for us to consider other legacies. We read in verse 24, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13:24 ESV)

This verse is difficult in our current cultural climate. It definitely refers to corporal punishment, but not abusive punishment. As parents, we used it for rebellious behavior. Jordan Peterson suggests a flick in the palm as a solution to inflict enough pain to gain attention and correction. But the proverb is about correction. The ESV’s “diligently” could also be “to be early or prompt in disciplining.” As James Smith notes, “This emphatic form suggests that the discipline would come either (1) in the morning of life before the bad habits are firmly fixed; (2) immediately after the offense; or (3) diligently.*” Fathers must model morality, instruct in morality, and discipline for morality in their children.

The Legacy of Work and Preparation for Work. Proverbs commends being industrious so that we can take care of our needs. But this also means preparing out children to do the same. In the ancient world, it would be teaching the sons to farm or do a trade. Daughters would have learned about food, clothing, and domestic duties necessary for survival. We raise children to leave home. We’ve even coined a verb out of the noun, adult. A son or daughter who adults has learned to behave in a responsible way and live on their own.

The Legacy of Faith and Spiritual Life. The daily wisdom of Proverbs is in fact the wisdom of God. It is spiritual. It involves a life lived for God. The greatest legacy I’ve received has been a spiritual one. Faith was modeled for me. Faith was instructed to me. As a father, I want my children, grandchildren, and descendants to have the salvation that is found in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Fathers, what is your legacy?

— Russ Holden

*James E. Smith, The Wisdom Literature and Psalms, Old Testament Survey Series (Joplin, MO: College Press Pub. Co., 1996), 562.

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Posted by Russell Holden

Striving for the Ideal Father

June 14, 2019

Our society gives mixed messages on fatherhood. The American Psychological Association in an article called “Deconstructing the Essential Father” asserts that fathers do not make a “unique and essential contribution to child development.” Their purpose is to influence public policy by legitimizing a variety of family structures—unmarried parents, gay parents, and single moms.

Yet the empirical evidence supports a conclusion that God’s plan for a family is really best. 70% of juvenile delinquents come from fatherless homes. Sixty percent of rapists and 72% of adolescent murderers come from homes where they have not known or lived with their fathers. Even the mother-child bond is weakened by an absent father.

In the midst of so much brokenness, we need to capture a vision of the ideal father and strive towards it.

God wants fathers to be leaders in their homes. Paul taught “…the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23, NASB). No doubt Paul’s teaching in Ephesians 5 was counter cultural to the first century with his emphasis on a husband’s sacrificial love for his wife. Yet it is also counter cultural to feminism and political correctness. The leadership Paul taught is not tyrannical, but the servant leadership that is taught elsewhere in the New Testament (cf. Matthew 20:25-28). It is a call to sacrificial love and spiritual leadership. Too frequently wives have no spiritual support from their husbands.

God wants fathers to love their wives. Although men often like to point to the words “Wives, be subject to your own husbands” (Eph. 5:22, NASB), Paul wrote more to husbands in this section of Ephesians than to wives. The constant refrain is “love” (the word is used 6 times in Eph. 5:25-33). Love your wives as Christ loves the church—that is sacrificially. Love your wives as you do your own bodies. Love your wives as yourself, which echoes the second greatest commandment “you shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 22:39, NASB). Our culture emphasizes the feelings of love. I suspect that if we followed the New Testament’s emphasis on the deeds of love (cf. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7) we would have less trouble maintaining the feelings of love.

God wants fathers to instruct and discipline their children. Paul wrote, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4, NASB). We will need to know the instruction of the Lord before we can pass it along to the next generation. Teaching and discipline require involvement and time. God has given us a responsibility that we must not shirk.

Few of us would feel like the ideal father, and regrettably, some boys may have to learn to be fathers without ever experiencing as a son what a father should be. But the only answer for the brokenness of our culture is to strive for God’s ideal.

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Posted by Russell Holden

The Best Job

June 15, 2018

We often ask a little boy or girl, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” My childhood answers included cowboy and fireman. As you get older, it is easy to entertain many job and career paths, but we eventually choose. Work is honorable and God-given. Work existed even in the Garden of Eden. “The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it” (Genesis 2:15, ESV).

When I was making career choices, my thoughts were not on fatherhood. In the back of mind, of course, there was the idea that someday I would marry, and we would have children. I even took a college course, “Marriage and the Christian Home,” just in case. But job was foremost in my mind.

Work is rewarding. At the bare minimum, there is a paycheck. We may feel satisfaction in creating, producing, growing, or problem solving. (And yes, every job has its drudgery. It is part of the curse on the ground, Genesis 3: 17-19). Employers may reward years of service or ideas to a suggestion box. Although I have personally found work satisfying, how do the rewards compare to fatherhood?

Certainly, fatherhood like everything in life has aspects that don’t seem quite like reward: dirty diapers, crying children in the middle of the night, a defiant three-year-old, or an angry teenager. Yet despite some of the drudgery and struggles that life always brings, I reflect on fatherhood (and now being a grandfather) as the best job in the world.

I’ve witnessed two, wondrous births. Wonder is the right word for it. The stress of labor gives way to those first breaths and that little cry that announces to the world, “I’ve arrived.” A newborn is so small and helpless. You feel the responsibility but also the joy.

I’ve experienced the thrill of first steps and first words. The child begins to stand up alongside chairs and sofas, and then there are those first halting steps. Before you know it, you are racing to keep up. We repeat “Momma” and “Dada” hoping they will be first words. But there is even greater joy when hearing from your child for the first time: “I love you.”

Proud moments are found in sporting events, graduations, and first jobs. Joy is shared in weddings and the birth of grandchildren. But one of the most important and moving moments for me was my children’s baptisms.

Job is important. We spend a lot of time at work. But I’m convinced the best job of all is father and grandfather. It has the greatest joys. We live in a world that sometimes disparages the role of father. We have too many absent fathers. The world needs fatherhood as God intends. We need such fatherhood modeled. Much of society’s ills would find solution in fathers and mothers as God desires. Men need to catch this vision of fatherhood. It’s the best job in the world.

P.S. Yes, I know that mothers have the best job too.

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Posted by Russell Holden

The Best of Fatherhood

June 16, 2017

We often ask a little boy or girl, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” My childhood answers included cowboy and fireman. As you get older, it is easy to entertain many job and career paths. I thought about teaching, psychology, and computer science in my teen years to name a few. We gain a lot of our identity from what we do. Meet someone new for the first time and likely the question after “What is your name?” and “Where are you from?” will be “What do you do?”

When I was making career choices, my thoughts were not on fatherhood. In the back of mind, of course, there was the idea that someday I would marry, and we would have children. I even took a college course, “Marriage and the Christian Home,” just in case. We spend a lot of time at work, it could easily reach half of our waking hours. Work that is honorable is good. I’ve found satisfaction in work, but over time I’ve concluded, fatherhood is the best job in the world!

Work is rewarding. At the bare minimum, there is a paycheck. We may feel satisfaction in creating, producing, growing, or problem solving. (And yes, every job has its drudgery. It is part of the curse on the ground, Genesis 3: 17-19). Employers may reward years of service or ideas to a suggestion box. Although I have personally found work satisfying, how do the rewards compare to fatherhood?

As a father, I’ve witnessed two births. I’ve experienced the thrill of first steps and first words. I’ve felt the joy of hearing for the first time, “I love you.” (Yes, your child will probably say, “I hate you,” at some point in the growing up. It is the risk of free will after all, but the moments of bluster pass away when your relationship is healthy.) There are proud moments of sporting events, graduations, and first jobs. Grown children whom you love and enjoy are a great blessing which includes the joy of adult and even spiritual conversation with them. I have found fatherhood is the most rewarding job in the world!

Most of the things we work at won’t last. Goods produced wear out. Buildings constructed may someday be torn down. Ecclesiastes reminds us that life is temporary, “all is vapor” and “a time to break down, and a time to build up.”* Yet, when we were expecting our children, one thought struck me: we were bringing a life into the world who has an eternal destiny. It is an awesome responsibility. Fathers if they are spiritually aware recognize that we are raising for eternity. I cannot but help admire Joshua as a father:

And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the LORD, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” (Joshua 24:15, ESV)

Joshua drew a line in the sand and made a spiritual commitment to his family. He recognized fatherhood is a job with an eternal impact!

I know that I’m prejudiced because I’m a father, but it is the best, most rewarding job in the world. Happy Father’s Day!

*“Vapor” is a literal translation of the Hebrew hebel in “All is vanity” (Ecclesiastes 1:2, 1:14, 2:17, 3:19, 12:8) and the other line is from Ecclesiastes 3:3.

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Fatherhood Truths

June 17, 2016

Truth #1. Christian fatherhood (as all fatherhood) is on the job training. I didn’t have to pass a test to become a father. No classroom work followed by apprenticeship before doing the real thing. We may wish it were that way at times, but it is not. No user manual was twisty-tied to the umbilical cord at any of my children’s births. I have tons of user manuals for various consumer products with special readme sections before you dare try using this product, but fatherhood is on the job training.

Fortunately, we have probably learned some things about being a parent from our own family of origin. (Hopefully, that is more good than bad.) The Bible is in many ways the owner’s manual for living. If we let it, it can be a great source for learning about family. I’ve also known some great Christian men who have modeled family life for me. I read baby books as a young father which instructed me what to expect at various ages, and I read some good books on being a Christian father (focusonthefamily.org is a great source for some ideas).

Truth #2. Christian fatherhood is not always perfect but should be principled. We juggle the work-a-day world and other issues of life all while being a father. Few (if any) of us would claim to be perfect fathers. We make mistakes. We are always adjusting the balance under the pressures of life’s demands. But there should always be principles guiding the Christian father. We are pointing our children beyond ourselves to God and his word.

I think the reality is that Christian morality works. If you follow the Bible’s teachings, I believe you will be happier, better adjusted, and lead a more productive life. If we instill Christian principles in our children, they will be better prepared for life and will also be prepared for eternity. You will dramatically reduce the chance of your children living in poverty, if you get them to do the following in the right order: education/preparation for a job, marriage, sex, and children.

Truth #3. Christian fatherhood (as all fatherhood) is a time sensitive role. Older people will tell you how quickly time passes, and you may not believe it until you are an older person telling the younger generation how quickly time passes. Life is like that. Children will not wait. Enjoy your moments with them now because time is fleeting. Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord now, because later may be too late. Discipline problems as children, if not dealt with, can grow into great headaches and heartaches when they are teenagers. The time for Christian fathers to be fathers is now. It is a time sensitive role.

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“Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers”

June 19, 2015

The book, The Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers by Ken Canfield, suggest seven “secrets” or aspects of a father’s role. Effective fathers raise spiritually and emotionally mature children. If we want to be effective fathers we need to think about these and act on them.

  1. Commitment. Fathers need to commit to the role of husband and father and recognize its importance. Our society faces a great deal of fatherlessness. In 1950, 3.9% of all births were by unmarried women. In 2005, that number has risen to 36.8%. 70% of juvenile delinquents are from fatherless homes. In a practical way, fathers must plan time with the family and balance busy priorities.
  2. Know your child. We need to know developmental stages of children, but we also need to know our children as individuals. Who are their friends? What are their interests? What are their strengths and weaknesses? What are their days like? We do this to protect them, encourage them, and show affection to them.
  3. Be Consistent. Children need to see strong character in their father. He should practice what he preaches. He should demonstrate emotional maturity being able to govern his own moods and behavior. He should be consistent in his word. In other words, he keeps the promises that he makes.
  4. Protect and Provide. If there is a noise in the middle of the night, who gets up to check on it and who stays under the covers by the phone? I suspect that in most two-parent homes, Dad is the one who gets up to check, and protection is a good masculine trait. Providing for our families is an important spiritual truth. Consider the following passages: Genesis 2:5, 3:17, 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12, 2 Thessalonians 3:7-10, Ephesians 4:28, 1 Timothy 5:8, and Matthew 7:9-11 (an analogy between human fathers and our Heavenly Father).
  5. Love Their Mother. Paul stresses the importance of husbands loving their wives. The husband should love his wife as Christ loved the church. He should love and care for his wife as he loves himself (Ephesians 5:25-33).
  6. Listen Actively. Children want attention from their father. Misbehavior sometimes is directed at getting attention any way they can. Fathers need to be reminded to listen actively. We need to put down our phone or tablet, turn off the TV, and rid ourselves of distractions so that we can listen.
  7. Equip Spiritually. Bringing a life into the world is a big responsibility, but it pales in comparison to the fact that this life also has an eternal destination. Fathers should be spiritual leaders equipping their children spiritually. See Deuteronomy 6:4-9, Psalm 78:1-8, and Ephesians 6:4.

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Being There

June 13, 2014

Fatherhood! It is the most challenging and rewarding role that a man can have. I suspect that none of us ever feel adequate to the task. After all, it is on the job training, and we carry our own relationship with our fathers around with us with all of its help and its own set of inadequacies.

The story is told of a young preacher who had a sermon entitled “The Ten Commandments of Parenthood.” Of course, it was written before he became a father. As his children became older, the sermon was re-titled, “The Ten Principles of Parenthood.” The reality of rearing children made him a little less sure of himself. By the time his children became teenagers, the sermon was entitled “The Ten Suggestions That May or May Not Work.” The feeling of inadequacy may just be part of the territory.

Despite such feelings, I’m now the proud father of adult children. It is hard for me to believe. It is trite to say that time flies. When your kids are squabbling with one another in the backseat of the car, it’s hard to believe that this will ever pass by quickly. But it does. So what wisdom have I learned?

The world needs fathers – not just perfect fathers, if such a species exists. And one of the most important job qualifications is being there. Children need a lap to climb into for a story to be read. They need Dad to wrestle with them on the floor. They need to be tucked into bed. Someone needs to go to school conferences and programs, ball games and concerts. They need someone to take them to Bible class and worship. They need someone who is active in the life of the church, so that they will be too.

That is the rub, isn’t it? We must somehow balance job and activities with family time. I’ve had lots of evening meetings through the years, so I know how it can be. None of us are perfectly available. But we must communicate to our children that they are important by our presence. Our participation in their lives matters!

Being with our children is a vital part of communicating our values. Discipline and instruction occur with interaction from parents. One researcher found that feelings of closeness and high levels of time spent together are vital to sharing our values. They are three times more likely to reproduce our values in our children than parental emphasis on those values alone. We have to walk the walk with our children, and that takes being there.

That shouldn’t surprise us. It is the picture of parenthood in Deuteronomy 6.

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. Deuteronomy 6:6-7, ESV

Christian, spiritual children do not happen by accident. Our participation is vital. One of the most important things you can do as a Dad is being there.

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Fatherhood Is Important

June 14, 2013

Fatherhood is on-the-job training. To drive a car, I went through driver’s training and had to pass a test to receive a license. I must confess there are times when I see or read about certain cases, that I think this person shouldn’t have been allowed to procreate without passing a test. But real life doesn’t work that way. We become fathers and then muddle through with on-the-job training.

Resources, however, do exist to aid us. I’ve been blessed with some wonderful examples of Christian manhood and fatherhood. We learn a great deal from seeing it done well. (I suspect that some of the cases in the previous paragraph that I wish had needed a license lacked good role models in their lives.) There is a place for the older to train the younger, to share with the younger.

Books and magazine articles can also help. As a young man, I learned a lot about fatherhood from the books of James Dobson as many of my generation did. The books giving the developmental stages of childhood were also very helpful. It helps to know what to expect at 6 months, a year, and so on. But the greatest help, if we will let it, is the Bible. It contains wisdom: wisdom for being a father, wisdom for life, and wisdom for salvation.

Fatherhood is not always perfect, but it should be principled. I learned there were times I needed to apologize to my children. I’m sure there were a lot of things I could have done better, but I hope there were some principles reflected in my imperfect portrayal of a father. The principle to provide for and protect my family. The principle to love my wife, their mother, as Christ loved the church. The principle to raise our children in the discipline and nurture of the Lord. The need to love my children and be there for them.

Fatherhood is a time sensitive role. Yes, it involves on-the-job training, but there is a real need that we get it together for our children. They are only with us for a short time. Eighteen years seems like a long time until you are in the midst of it. First tooth, first word, first step, first day of school, and all those other firsts pass quickly. Much of what we teach about morality is learned in the first six years. Much of what we teach about spirituality is learned in the first twelve years. Fatherhood is time sensitive.

Fatherhood is a life long role. If you have done your job reasonably well, the relationship with your adult children is a wonderful and rewarding season of life. In most cases, it also leads to a new role: grandfather. May God bless the fathers among us. Fatherhood is important.

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Posted by Russell Holden